Learning to stand up for myself and not be a push over is a struggle for me. Trying to please everyone, not hurt anyones feelings, make friends with everyone, support everyone, love on everyone, never thinking about myself, etc – is a struggle for me.
Shit – that sounds terrible.
Let me start over.
Some days I feel like an asshole.
I forget to call friends back, I don’t pick up the open shift at work to help my team, I’m constantly “too busy” to make plans with just about everyone, I ignore phone calls from friends and family because I just don’t have the energy to talk to them. Hell – sometimes I don’t even want to take care of my pets anymore.
See — Asshole.
Does anyone else get really frustrated when you’re writing/talking about something that’s going on in your life — and the other person makes it all about them?
How suddenly you thought you could voice your opinion, feelings, whatever — and then you’re left apologizing because you were inconsiderate of their feelings.
Ugh. This happens to me all too often.
The effort it takes for me to restrain the shit I want to say — is EXHAUSTING. Seriously. Some days I just want to let it all out. I want to scream at the bitch who sticks her nose in business that’s not hers. I want to curse at the client who would rather euthanize their pet than spend the $300 for diagnostic testing. I want to slap the lies out of the mouths of former lovers. I want to burn the houses down.
Sounds pretty terrible, right? Guess that’s why I just push it all down, hold it all in. Just like everyone else. We keep going.
So what happens, when you decide not to?
Okay, I’m not talking about burning the houses down — I’m just referring to, what happens when you take a deep breath – let it out – and then deal with the consequences.
I can count a handful of times in my life where I have allowed this feeling of … we’ll call it “Assholism” to take over.
More often than not it’s after one too many drinks where my brain starts working overtime and I just can’t keep my damn mouth shut.
Ask any of my friends or former lovers – they can attest to this.
When I drink – I’m emotional.
Mom: Have you been drinking?
Me: Sorry mom, I was drinking last night.
Mom: I know sweetie, hope you’re feeling okay today, everything ok? I love you.
More often than not, my Mom is the first person I call when I need to “get it all out.” (Sorry, Mom… I love you! :D)
There are a few things I didn’t realize when I started writing this blog.
- The direction it would end up taking.
- The people I would upset along the way.
- How I would feel about upsetting them.
I honestly had no idea what I would end up writing. As you can probably tell – since it starts out talking about my meeting with a business coach, me bitching about being broke, airing out dirty family laundry, complaining about psycho friends, and long distance friendships.
I still have no idea the direction of this blog. But I suppose when I wrote my introduction, I did say that I was offering a viewpoint of how I deal with “all of it.” So – I suppose me being a disorganized “all over the map,” kind of writer suits me & my ADD self.
Several conversations I have had since I started this blog have revolved around how I hurt someone’s feelings in one of my blog posts.
Shit – there she goes again, Asshole.
It’s not my intention to hurt people along the way. However, that is a consequence of how I write. I’m going to upset people, hurt their feelings. I’m shining a light on things I generally don’t talk about.
A spoke with an old customer of mine the other day and asked if he had read my blog. He had asked what I was writing about — I said, “it’s mostly just me getting nitty, gritty, down to earth, and uncomfortably vulnerable.” I didn’t expect their response to be:
“I hope you’re okay, Jack. You were always so happy, bubbly, and over flowing with love. I hope that hasn’t changed.”
I understand that the viewpoint I’m currently writing from is one most people don’t see from me. I’m generally an extremely private person when it comes to how I ACTUALLY feel about things. You may hear me complain or bitch about one thing or another — but to have a conversation about what’s really going on in my head — is one I save for Todd & Butters (cat and dog).
Apologizing to people about my blog, hurts. It hurts because I’m upset that they missed the whole effing point.
IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. IT’S ABOUT ME.
It’s about me finally finding a platform and way of connecting and FEELING.
It’s about me finally letting it FLOW.
It’s about me finally not being scared to share the raw, vulnerable truth.
It’s about changing my life. It’s about learning from the past and pushing forward.
It’s about learning how to communicate my feelings more effectively and learning to be less censored when sharing my feelings.
I have always seemed to put up a wall, a barrier, when discussing my feelings. I was afraid of the consequences that would come from being honest. Trust me, usually when I open my mouth to share what upsets me — bad things happen.
Let’s talk a quick jog down memory lane, shall we?
- Cussing out my grandma on my high school graduation night because they chose not to attend because I did not give my Dad one of my free tickets. (ugh – I STILL feel like a dick for this. ugh.)
- Writing an e-mail to my step-mom and CCing the entire family about how much I disliked her and how lucky her father was that he was dead so he didn’t have to deal with her anymore. (kind of feel bad for this — but, at that point in my life, I absolutely despised my step-mom and what she had done to my Dad & my family).
- “I’ll get you a cake for that fucking pity party you’re throwing for yourself because I left you.” — yep, I said that on a national radio station to an ex-boyfriend. (Nope, don’t feel bad at all. I only feel bad because it made me look like a total bitch.)
- Countless nights of me getting wasted and letting my room-mate absolute HAVE IT (sorry, Charlotte – I hope you don’t remember it..). Telling her how manipulative she was and how she created drama to get attention and feel special. (ugh, I’m an asshole).
- Telling a former lover what a piece of shit he was because he was scared of being with me and would avoid me after dates. I told him he was some fucked up solider dealing with PTSD and didn’t know how to love anyone or be close to anyone. (shoot me now? please?)
- Screaming and crying at a former medical director at a hospital I worked at because she was a spineless bitch who had absolutely no purpose or real direction and just followed whatever hospital manager we had in the clinic that day. (I had already put in my notice – still, a dick move, I made her cry).
I don’t think I have anger issues, lets just make sure that’s clear here for a second.
I do however, have issues with appropriately communicating my feelings in a HEALTHY way.
Enter – blogging.
I’m truly hoping this helps me learn how to communicate more effectively so I don’t have to be an asshole whenever I open my mouth to share when I’m upset.
Needless to say.
This is not about YOU.
It’s about Me.
This IS Me.
Until next time.