Step Nine

I was reminded today that once again, Mercury is in retrograde.

Shit.

For those of you that AREN’T total astrology weirdos… Let me BRIEFLY explain to you what this means.

“Many people fear Mercury Retrograde, believing that this little planet is responsible for communication breakdowns, delays and technical difficulties. While Mercury influences all of these things, if he causes delays or issues, he often has a very good reason.

Mercury is the messenger of the Gods, and if he causes any delays or issues in your life, it could be because he has a message for you.

It is very important to pay attention while Mercury is retrograde, as you don’t want to miss the helpful messages that the Gods may be trying to deliver to you.

If you do notice typical Mercurial issues, take a moment to pause, reflect and see if perhaps it could be a sign that you need to change directions or look at things differently.

With the energy of the new year still in full bloom, this April 2017 retrograde will be mainly focused on grounding and creating a secure foundation so you can move forward with ease and confidence.

When Mercury slows down in April, we are all going to be guided to go within and work out what is really important to us and why we want to take the path that we have chosen.” — courtesy of foreverconscious.com

Get that?

Basically, the planet Mercury rules our communication – it is important to THINK about things, but necessarily to ACT upon them, just yet.

I can always tell when Mercury is in retrograde.

How?

Well, usually my friend Cat will be like, “Well, nothing is going right. Mercury must be in retrograde again.”

Ha!

But really, you can FEEL the shift in energy. You lose the words you need to effectively communicate how you feel about things. How to explain what you want and need. It sucks.

Why do I bring this up?

Because I am experiencing a few things right now that make me roll my eyes at this whole “Mercury’s in Retrograde! Be careful!”

So let’s get down to business.

Step 9 – Making Amends.

I received an e-mail earlier this week while I was in the middle of work. Thank god for my Apple Watch that HAD to alert me of this message. It was from a former room-mate and friend. (For purposes of this blog, we’ll call her “LB.”)

“Hey Jack,

I would really like to get together with you in person to sit down and talk if you are up for it.  I am available most Saturdays.  Please let me know if you are interested.  I hope all is well!

-LB”
Goosebumps.
It was as if I had seen a ghost.
You see, I haven’t heard from LB since July 2016. We have a very intense, tumultuous past. Riddled with good times, learning experiences, growth, and then some REALLY effing horrible, terrifying times. She called me up in July and told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore.
I had called and text her a few times since then – knowing full well that I had been blocked, but did it anyway.
I had text her family & ex-husband in an attempt the message would reach her that I cared for her and was hoping she was doing well.
So when I received this e-mail, you can understand now why I was shocked.
I knew in the back of my head that something was up. This was not going to be a, “Hey girl! Long time no see! How are you?” small talk conversation. I knew I would need to prepare myself for some major “truth-bombs” so-to-speak.
I was right.
One of the reasons our relationship fizzled out had a lot to do with her recovery. You see, LB has a checkered past of drug and alcohol abuse. I just happened to come into her a life at a time when it was a priority in her life – which is why things were so effing crazy.

“Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” – Alcoholics Anonymous

So there I was, testing out the new Urban Decay eye shadow pallet at Ulta, waiting for 6 o’clock to hit the nose to walk over to Red Robin and meet with my old friend, LB.

“Well hey there, stranger!” accompanied by a hug.

My friend had found me. She had come in to pick up an eye shadow primer which happened to be in the exact same aisle I was standing in.

She made her purchase and together we walked over to Red Robin, sat in the bar (to avoid the 20min wait for a table for 2, and ordered two unsweetened iced teas (well, she asked for splenda, I drank it unsweetened.)

“I am here to accept full responsibility for my actions during the course of our friendship. I am so sorry for what I put you through and the things I did to you. You are the reason I am still alive and I will never be able to repay you for that. I have been selfish, judgmental, and jealous. What can I do, or can I do anything, to make it up to you.”

Yep – knew it. She was here to make amends.

Honestly, I didn’t care what her reasons were, I was just grateful to see my friend. Looking happy, healthy, and sober.

It’s no surprise to me that this meeting came now. At such a pivotal moment in my growth and personal development. I needed this just as much as she did.

There will be those who will be happy for her. Happy I went. Happy it went well. Then there will be those who will tell me I must run for the hills. That she is poison. That she will drag me down. That I have grown so much and should not look back now. Then there is me – who is happy I went, happy she is healthy, and putting my practice of letting go of the resistance and trusting that the universe will guide me into making the right decisions. I must stop stressing on trying to “make the right choice” and allow the universe to guide me and trust my intuition.

I left our encounter feeling 10lbs lighter.

I hadn’t even realized the weight of the pain on me until it was gone.

Thank you, God!

I consider myself to be “lucky in love,” when I least expect it. Some how these incredibly men fall into my lap (don’t be gross!), when all I’m expecting is a drink and maybe some good conversation. I never go into a date expecting much more.

Honestly, if the conversation is bad – I call it quits right away, come up with an excuse to leave, and then never speak or see them again.

I dove into the dating world again a few weeks ago on a wild whim. I got lucky, again.

I enjoy being introspective and learning from my past. It’s humbling and terrifying at the same time to know what I can be capable of as well as what scares me the most.

Being fearlessly and wonderfully loved.

Learning to love yourself is one thing. I think I’ve pretty much got that down. I think.

Learning to accept love is a WHOLE different obstacle.

I accept love freely from my girlfriends. Whole-heartedly.

I accept love freely from my clients. I adore them and am so grateful for the connections I have been able to make because of my profession. These relationships inspire me – every. single. day.

I struggle to accept love from a significant other. I WANT to. Don’t get me wrong. I really do. I know that once I do, magic happens. I know this because – once upon a time – I was capable of this.

So when someone tells me how much they like me. How much they like spending time with me. How they enjoy getting to know me and can’t wait to see where it goes — this FEELS good, but I just don’t quite trust it.

I want to trust you, I just don’t think I should.

So how do I re-train my brain to accept this love?

Um – I don’t know.

So if you were looking for the answers, I don’t have them.

All I can do is put one foot after the other and remember to check myself.

Meaning – don’t build walls out of fear. Don’t be scared of everything. Remember nothing good every came from fear. That the majority of our worries don’t even come to fruition.

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” – Mark Twain

Until next time,

Xo-Jack

 

Advertisements

One thought on “Step Nine

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s