Exploring new truths

So much growth! So much change! So much release!

I never would have thought that losing my job would be the best thing to happen to me. I have this new sense of direction, a curious nature for self-discovery, and the scary parts of myself I keep hidden… I’m learning to share.

I want to share something that’s SUPER exciting! I received a grant for school which will help cover a portion of fall, winter, and spring quarter for the 2017-2018 school year! It’s not much, but it’s a start. It means I can stop moping around and being all “I’m never going to be able to afford this!” and can transition into, “I’m not smart enough to do this!”

Just kidding. (kinda)

I have been studying my little tail off. Seriously. The last math class I took was in 2006, it was ONE quarter of, Math 095. That’s not even college level math, guys. I HAVE TO place in college level math for it to count as credit toward my pre-req into nursing. So… I’ve literally started from the bottom and have worked my way up.

It’s always nice to give yourself a refresher on say…

Long division? Wait what’s a remainder again?

Multiplying and dividing fractions? (1/2 x 5/8 = ? uh – what?)

Or how about those stupid algebra equations (2x=5 so what does x=?).

And ones I’m working on right now — simplifying square roots. STFU. THROW THE BOOK. BURN IT.

Why can’t I just say, “Hey! I know how to calculate drugs. If sally weighs 100lbs and her dose is 5mg/kg for her antibiotic, what’s her dosing = 227mg” <– see, I’m smart. Isn’t this all I need to know?

NOPE.

So there’s that. Which makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out. So if anyone is good at math or happens to be really good at explaining how to solve algebraic equations — please find me and help me before I give up on my dreams (ha!).

The next thing I’ve been putting effort into is finding out why I do the things I do.

You see, I have a pattern of behavior in relationships or during times of stress/anxiety. I recognize the pattern, yet I don’t understand the root cause. I’d love to explore this more and figure out WHY I do it.

So…

I scheduled an appointment with a therapist.

I also JUST got off a FaceTime consult with a therapist/life, love, career coach (her name is Markie and she was fabulous!).

I’ve gotten mixed reviews from friends/family who I’ve told about this.

I get a lot of:

“Why?”

“You just have to accept this is who you are, you can’t change.”

“It’s probably my fault you are the way you are.”

“You’re wasting your money, they’re just going to manipulate you.”

But you know what… I’m still curious and would really like to explore what these experts have to say about the reasoning why I do the things I do. I think it’s totally and completely healthy to explore your feelings/emotions/actions — and even better when you can’t seem to find a reason why you do them!

A friend politely described me as being “emotional stunted.” She didn’t mean this in a negative way, but simply was explaining that I have a challenging time understanding and connecting to my emotions. I do a phenomenal job of avoiding them or just forgetting I have them at all.

Until I start drinking.

And anyone who knows me or has received a phone call from me after too many martinis or glasses of wine… they know what happens when I start drinking.

I start crying.

Everything boils to the surface and I turn into a hot drunk mess of feelings.

So I suppose my goal is to learn how to actually get in touch with my feelings and better understand how to express them or at least learn a new coping strategy.

She, Markie, also happens to be a certified therapist but cannot practice psychotherapy outside of Colorado. She also is a certified: life, love, and career coach. Which she CAN practice outside of Colorado.

Our meeting was brief, 30 minutes, and I scheduled a second meeting because of something a friend told me. “Give it 3 times, if you don’t see or feel something within 3 visits/calls/video chats – then find someone else.”

I found her on a website called: growingself.com <– and NO, I do NOT know how I found this. It might be a scam, but I don’t think so. I signed a contract and set up a second session — we’ll see how it goes from there.

I received some news today that has me feeling TWO things. One – pride. I am sooooooo proud of them for achieving this huge goal that they didn’t think was attainable. I am soooooo sad, because the future is more unknown than ever with them. So now what? Do I stay and “go with the flow,” “enjoy it while it lasts,” or “cut it off before it hurts more?”

The answer I arrived to is, “enjoy it while it lasts.”

Why did I choose this? Because I run away from all my problems. When something hurts, I run away. When I think something is going to hurt, I run away. But guess what, you can’t enjoy the good without the bad. I am honestly super excited to enjoy my July and revert back to my high school summer glory days of summer love that ends all too soon.

As much as I want to explore what could be, I have to be responsible and continue my studies and not get wrapped up in the world that is romance. My former self would tell me, “GIRL! RUN AWAY. This man is going to do nothing but get in your head and you’re just going to want to follow him! So stick to your fucking goals and quit running away from your dreams. SERIOUSLY.”

So – logic wins and so does the heart. Enjoy the summer but school starts in the fall and that’s your priority. So go get it, girl.

Let’s move on to another tangent.

I had a tarot reading yesterday.

Yes – Tarot.

I met this super amazing woman named Amy, through my friend Megan, last summer.

I was inspired by her recent astrology spread and heard she had a friend who did tarot readings at no charge. I was immediately interested and reached out to her hoping she would do a spread for me. Since then, she’s done 4. I’m kinda obsessed.

Because of the recent transition I’ve made in my life, I was feeling a little uncertain in my path and direction, depending on my tarot readings, it can reaffirm or just confirm in general my paths and choices.

One thing that really stood out to me was that during my reading, her friend noticed a hummingbird that buzzed and hovered above Amy’s shoulder during my reading, then buzzed away shortly after it ended.

WHAT DOES THIS MEEEEAAAANNNN!?

Amy called me to ask me if a hummingbird meant anything to me, and my immediate response was, “yes. well, kinda?”

To make a long story short…

There is a family I see twice a week to help give fluids to their kitty, Benjamin.

They have two hummingbird feeders in their backyard, which I had to bring in every night and out every morning in december while I was pet sitting for them (for 30 days!).

The hummingbirds NEVER left. Those little squirts buzzed around and waited for me to bring the nectar out, or simply brush the snow off when I would bring them in at night.

This family, and this home, are very special to me.

They/It reminds me I have so much to learn still and provides me with so much laughter, joy, and learning. This family has been a surprising blessing in my life.

I was told I would have a “helper” on my journey — the card was the Emperor.

For those that know tarot know that the Emperor is an authority figure, someone you look up to/admire. A parent, supervisor/boss, or partner.

Basically – someone you turn to for advice that you trust and actually listen to and want to make proud.

The dots connected and I follow the trail to the hummingbird house where Benjamin’s family resides. In the hummingbird home, his mama resides. For her privacy, I will not share her name — but she knows who she is, as do most of my very close friends and family — after speaking with her this evening, she knows she is my Emperor on this journey. ❤

Anyway.

I guess I got distracted and forgot where this was going.

Or maybe it was the rose I had earlier at the hummingbird home.

Or it was the Titos + La Croix I just drank.

(again – I drink to avoid feelings aka — not care that I have them and then over share. whatever.)

I have so much left to do, and all the time in the world. It’s about fucking time I remembered that I enjoyed my 20s and lived it up and when I’m old and gray I can tell the young ones to do the same damn thing. Because your 20s were made for mistakes and learning.

So make mistakes and get messy.

I’ve got 2+ months yet to make mistakes before it’s not cute anymore.

HA!

 

Until next time,

xo-Jack

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